(NOTE: Before anyone gets their feathers ruffled by this article, know this was written for the St. Olaf Newspaper’s SATIRE issue. This doesn’t mean that I don’t genuinely mean what I say (because I do), rather it means that the people quoted below didn’t actually say these things. Unfortunately, the eco-terrorists at Stolaf must have thought this article was unsuitable to even run in a publication that is characterized by BEING MADE UP. Because God forbid anyone say anything that is not enviornmentally kosher on this campus. So I’m going to post it here instead.)
Back in February, a fuzzy prognosticator named Punxsutawney Phil offered residents of cold climates a glimmer of hope– an olive branch of sorts promising that the particularly brutal winter would soon be giving way to a warm, lush spring and summer. Fast forward two months and about 12 Monday morning snowstorms later and Minnesotans are still under the deep chill of winter, yearning for warmer days.
But out of great strife rises great promise and opportunity, which is exactly what has been brewing recently from the St. Olaf administration, who have unveiled a brand new, cutting-edge environmental initiative, which combats this unfavorable climate. “Oles have always been pioneers and innovators when it comes to environmental issues,” President David Anderson said, “and I am proud to announce that we are among the first communities to dedicate ourselves to increasing our carbon footprint so significantly in hopes that winters like this will never plague us again.”
Under this new initiative, diesel-powered golf carts, donated by the Northfield Golf Club, will replace the bike rental program. Public Safety has been ordered to issue tickets to any hybrid or any cars on campus deemed energy-efficient. Even Randy Clay and Bon Appetit are on board, who ensured that all of their food would now be shipped from overseas because in Clay’s own words: “who cares about fresh vegetables? I sure don’t.”
The student body has embraced this new policy with open arms. Sonja Smerud, the sustainability representative coordinator, has kicked off a campus-wide contest to see which dorm can amass the most waste over the month of April. The only rule? No recycling. “I love this new approach to environmentalism,” Smerud gushes, “what’s the point of living a green lifestyle if the only payoff is 15 degree weather in April? We need global warming now more than ever!”
According to President Anderson, if all of these new implementations are effective St. Olaf could have the largest carbon footprint in the Midwest by the beginning of 2014, unseating the previous leader, Detroit. “It is so wonderful to see the Ole family come together once again to achieve such a noble goal. Together we can accelerate climate change enough that not only will we be able to reap the benefits, but that our children may never have to endure a winter like we have this year.”