When I was asked to write a sample post as part of my ongoing tryout for The Royal Half’s North America’s Next Top Blogger competition, I racked my brain for literally tens of minutes trying to find a relevant, edgy topic to blog about that would have the internet begging for more.
I decided not to get ahead of myself, as none of you came to TRH to read my recollections from last weekend’s Frozen Fury (which I did not attend), or my analysis of the young players at training camp (whom I hardly know). Since you don’t know who I am and don’t care who I am, I figured the least I could do with my moment in the spotlight is to fix the former, and attempt to make my case on why I would make an excellent, an above average, a tolerable addition to #TeamTRH.
I grew up in a northern suburb of Minneapolis. For the impatient readers who are already frustrated asking what the hell this has to do with the Kings, I’m getting to that part. Before my senior year of high school I became what had to be the first high school hockey player to give up playing in front of 18,000-plus at the Minnesota State Tournament to play in front of 18 parents at Iceoplex Simi Valley, as I moved west to play with the Southern California Titans 18AAA team.
As a goalie, I typically chose to root for New Jersey since I idolized Martin Brodeur through my youth. However I began to shift allegiances when I grew a fondness for the Kings’ goal horn and goal song when it played over 15 times over the two games I started at the Toyota Sports Center against the Jr. Kings.
For proof of this, watch this stunning high-definition highlight package of me getting torched against Beau Bennett and company, all set to the dulcet tones of some guy from California Rubber magazine I have to assume is doing voice overs for the NHL Network today.
Hint: I gave up goals four through nine
The next year I moved from beautiful Southern California to a slightly less pristine locale as I played a season of junior hockey for the Fresno Monsters. Living with my teammates from the Santa Clarita Valley, I became more and more of a Kings fan, partly due to their influence and mostly in order to stick it to the San Jose-supporting chumbolones who lived in Fresno.
I returned to Minnesota for college a born-again LA Kings fan, and in the four years that followed all of the these things happened:
-I purchased Drew Doughty and Jonathan Quick Kings t-shirt jerseys, and a Jack Johnson Team-USA Olympic t-shirt jersey (officially an antique as of February 2014)
-Created a fantasy hockey team named “CoreyPerryHasAids” (2011 Runners-Up)
-Celebrated a Stanley Cup Championship
-Purchased a Penner Pancakes shirt from The Royal Half Gift Shoppe
-Celebrated a second Stanley Cup Championship
-Graduated from a small college with an English major (all but eliminating any chance of a real career and a paying job)
-Applied to blog for The Royal Half (See above note)
I realize that after telling my story I have probably alienated myself from the majority of The Royal Half audience by virtue of being a goalie (a bad one at that), being from the Midwest, living in Fresno and by being a Kings fan who came on board post-2010. Despite all this, I still feel like there are a few things I can bring to the table.
-On the off-chance there are people who are interested in technical breakdowns and detailed analysis on the goaltending matchups that go on over the course of the season, I could deliver in spades. Want an example? Check out this hot take: Quick = good. Dan Ellis = bad. You’re welcome.
-In case Flubber McGee and his Kansas City roots weren’t quaint enough for all you LA city slickers, I could be a #TeamTRH correspondent from deep in the midst of flyover country while being a constant reminder of how much better life is in California than in Minnesota during the winter months.
(Fun fact: I have Omsk, Siberia saved in my weather app on my phone so during the third blizzard in March I can look at the weather and say to myself “at least I don’t live in Siberia”. In the winter of 2013 Siberia had better weather 78 percent of the time.)
-I would be able to showcase my writing chops to a wider audience (English major bro), and boast extensive experience with writing on topics that readers here might come to expect, such as the softness of Ryan Kesler, the Sharks embarrassing themselves, and above all game recaps that incorporate Simpsons videos and Darryl Sutter quotes.
So if you have made it to the end of this article, I wholeheartedly thank you and assure you that you won’t have to endure my ramblings again. Unless by some crazy miracle I win this contest then unfortunately you might have to hear from me again. Sorry about that.
But in all seriousness, if The Royal Half’s North America’s Next Top Blogger competition comes down to a vote, please vote for me. If you won’t do it because you enjoyed this blog or because you want the opportunity to ridicule my Midwestern accent on a future podcast of All The Kings’ Men (I say the word coach really funny), I will stoop lower and ask you to vote for me out of sheer pity. Because chances are you live in sunny California, where the calendar is moving from summer to second summer, and I live in a place where there is snow in the forecast next week – snow that won’t be gone until late April. And that sucks.
Blogging for #TeamTRH would give me an excuse to stay inside on my computer and avoid the reality of the harsh elements and sub-zero conditions of winter outside my window. By choosing me you are saving me from possible frostbite and hypothermia.
You don’t want me to get frostbite or hypothermia do you?
Actually, don’t answer that…